If you know me, you know that I'm never satisfied with the person I am. I always want to know more, do more, succeed at everything. I'm never happy with myself. I always tell myself that if I just wake up earlier and force myself to cram my schedule so full that I don't have time to eat or shower, that I will achieve everything that I want in life. I have spent dozens of hours reworking my schedule until every moment of my day is accounted for. I've tried to-do lists, check lists, alarms on my phone. In the end nothing would work. I couldn't understand why I wanted so desperately to change my life, but was never able to succeed.
The answer came to me the other night. I was lying in bed and decided to take a few moments to meditate before drifting off. I rolled over on my back and the thought came to me that I am always trying to better myself. I frowned in the dark because the painful truth to that was I was still at the same starting point after months of trying to change. It was then that I saw the words "I am always trying to better myself" float across my field of vision. As I watched the letters "t-t-e-r" floated away leaving me with "I am always trying to be myself." Then it struck me--instead of trying to force myself into the idealistic version of myself that is camped out permanently in my imagination, I need to embrace the me that actually exists. A wonderful Reneé has always existed. I love my family, I have friends. I have so much going for me, like good health and intelligence. The burden of perfection lifted and for the first time in forever I can honestly say that I like the person I am. I feel like I've made a new friend and she is me. Even though she's not quite perfect, she's worth getting to know.
Love and Light,
Reneé
Great thinking! I very much identify with what you're saying. Before I had brain surgery, I was very secure in who I am. I liked me. It didn't matter that I wasn't as thin as I'd like to be. I was secure in who I was and what I looked like. For whatever reason, surgery has launched me backwards. I am so insecure with what I look like and question who I am. Perhaps some of that is from brain damage. I feel like maybe I lost part of who I was. Or it could be from my father-in-law offering me $500 to lose weight three months after my surgery and mega doses of steroids. The peace I need to find is in not letting what others think influence me. Like you, I need to embrace the me that exist, because it's not so bad!
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